How to pose for the paps

We've just tested this in the office and looked like homicidal maniacs. You may fare better...

First published on 19 Dec 2012. Updated on 19 Dec 2012.

Chin: down. Eyes: up. Lip: pout. Breasts: out. Back: curve. Arse: relax. And then:

No eating anything 24 hours before posing for a full body shot.

When you pose you must not think. Your mind is best to empty and you put inside of it image of sexy man or sexy breast – whichever makes you more excited. If you think sexy on inside, people can see this in your aura. I take inspiration from Pamela Anderson and Holly Valance.

You must figure which side is best. Stand in a room with 11 men. Where it is that most of them stand: that is your best side. If you are fat, this does not work because no side is best, so pull stomach in and smile, pretend it does not hurt.

Wear much makeup. Eyes, eyeliner, gold and mascara, lip liner over lip line.

Even if you are not perfect like me you can still love yourself. And camera will see this love – even if you are ugly.