Jaunts to your neighbourhood bean grinder shouldn’t be comparable to encounters with record shop pedants

Northside: Your barista's tribal designation lolls in the cloudy waters of genus 'hipster'. Affectations of plumage will delineate the consumer's geographic locale, i.e. the Fitzroy Ned Kelly, Collingwood Hockshopper and Northcote Twee Enthusiast. They all sport tattooed runic obscurities whilst delivering nerve-janglingly treacly fare.

Southside: Tropes of the profession are less subtle than above. Expect B-grade footy blokes in koi sleeves and flat caps – either that or backpackers working a fading boho angle, wrestling the grinder and delivering watery lattes. Hopefully Nan's cappuccino order won’t guarantee a derisive snort around here. Although a piccolo of anything still deserves a hoisted eyebrow, we say.

The champion: South

First published on . Updated on .

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