If you're looking to score a fumble in Melbourne it's not about who you know, but about where you go
1. Plenty of amorous action going on at LuWOW. It’s tiki-tastic with thatched huts, a stuffed shark and go-go dancers in the back room. And fairly dark. The drinks are as tiki drinks should be: long, strong and complete with hilarious garnishes. If you can’t find something in those surrounds as a talking point, you may be in trouble.
2. Boney used to be Pony. Which used to be the grungy gig pit in the city where you were guaranteed a dirty disco pash in the dark. The resurrected and slightly cleaner all-night venue (7am closure on the weekends) takes up where sticky old Pony left off. Only this time, there are cocktails downstairs so you can actually have a chat rather than just pawing at your potential new BFF or single-sample-spit-buddy on the dance floor.
3. Oh so you're actually looking for love? Perhaps you're after an epicurean who loves wine and can talk about it without sounding like a tosser? In which case head to Gerald's Bar in Carlton. It’s the sort of place where you can show up alone – many do, and the bartenders enjoy nothing better than meddling. So even if you’re shy, they’re likely to make introductions. Take a book and prop it up at the bar.
4. Soul night at Cherry Bar in ACDC lane has oft been touted as a just-can't-miss fondling fountain. This is one for those seeking a guy with a little scruff on the chin or girls with a penchant for head scarves. Everyone here know at least three chords on the guitar.
5. Kevin Bacon may be the central figure connecting all of Hollywood via six degrees of separation, but in Melbourne, it is a place, not a person that unites us all. That place is Yah Yah's. Talk to any stranger and we guarantee some mutual friends of yours have pashed on on Yah Yah's slightly sticky floors. For those without spouses to head home to, it's the cheap, low-key magnet that draws all to its bosom at 3am when everything else shuts.
6. We've got it on good authority that Ding Dong is such a sure bet that people are regularly sealing the deal while still on premises. The live music gives you a really great excuse for standing on your own too, and the varying degrees of band excellence always gives you something to start talking about.
7. Of Melbourne's gay clubs, the Peel comes in at number one for getting lucky. Whatever your take on Collingwood's favourite dance den, the place is always crammed to the rafters, and everyone's always having a blast. It's huge, it stays open very, very late, and it's probably your dirty secret. You know you love it.