It’s the specialist tea shop where you can pick up some rare oolongs, listen to Motown and get your jasmine tea spiked with gin – just like your lush of a nanna used to make it. Collingwood.
You get furry Uggs and a cape and 30 minutes in a giant freezer filled with ice sculptures during which you'll be drinking wodka shots from carved ice cups. It’s just like drinking in the Antarctic. Or the Gold Coast. Southbank.
At the newly reopened Cellar Bar – the velvet lounge under Newmarket where it’s all about Champagne and private booths – they’re reviving old Newmarket’s infamous Schnitz ‘n Tits night. Now with burlesque and truffle salt chips! Classy. St Kilda.
By day it’s Port Melbourne’s finest purveyor of artisan bathroom tiles. By night, the old sandstone courthouse is a bar serving European tapas boards and jugs of sangria. Port Melbourne.
This joint has a booze dungeon. It’s freaky. You descend a gothic spiral staircase and wind up in a stone cellar which they rent out for private parties and poker sessions. St Kilda.
Masturbating may be frowned upon at the Japanese baths in Collingwood, but drinking isn’t. Hit the lounge after your nude soak in the communal (single sex) pool for a mellowing bottle of sake. Collingwood.
This whisky bar is the last place in town where you can light up (cigars only) inside. Get a whisky, and sink into a Chesterfield for a puff, sip and a chat, or join the monthly poker game. Hawthorn.
It’s a winery in the carpark of Circa in St Kilda, and during October, it’s going to be operating as a cellar door – which is a win for every hipster oenophile who doesn’t want to cycle to the country. St Kilda.
The Savage Club
Sorry, this one's a tease – unless you're invited by a member of this gentlemen's club (and have a member in your pants) you can’t come in. The Savages only recruit gentlemen of good repute with interests in literature, science, and philosophy. Melbourne.