Start at Key Club on Lonsdale Street. With its squeaky new-club status you’ll get instant cred from your fellow crawlers just for knowing it exists. The club is small, which means it doesn’t take a thousand people to get the dance floor going, and the cocktails are divine if not ridiculously priced. We love the Key Lady sweet with strawberry and lychee flavours. When the dance floor gets to half capacity it’s time to move on to Spice Market. Melbourne, free before 9pm, $20 after.
Proudly nestled next to the Grand Hyatt on Russell Street, Spice Market is often full with the after work business set. Saturday nights however, the suits are well and truly away and the beautiful middle eastern club well and truly gets it’s dance on. Beware: men will not get in unless they are wearing leather dress shoes and a collared shirt. No polos! If you want the full experience, drop a grand or two and get a private booth. Melbourne, Wed-Sat 5pm-2am. Free.
Blue Diamond is a little walk away so you may want to take a tram down Collins Street if they’re still running and you can handle the fluro lighting. Jump off at Queen Street and walk to the inconspicuous glass doors that mark number 123. Blue Diamond is meant to be a members only club, but lucky for us they still let lowly members of the general public in. Grab a very alcoholic Phil Collins (the cocktail, not the man) and experience the amazingness that is clubbing with a view from the 15th floor. Melbourne, Wed-Fri 4pm-late; Sat 8pm-late. $10.
Final stop on your high-end club crawl is Silk Road. It’s a little more relaxed than the other clubs, but then, by this time in the night you’ll be a little more ‘relaxed’ too. If you can manage another cocktail, the Spiced Espresso Martini is worth a try, plus you get the added caffeine kick to keep you dancing 'til closing time at 2am. After that, you’re on your own. Melbourne, Thu 5pm-3am; Fri 4pm-3am; Sat 7pm-3am. Free. $10 after 10pm.