First published on 27 Feb 2012. Updated on 28 Feb 2012.
“If someone asks me out, my inner monologue is immediately triggered: 'Whoa, did she just ask me out? I think she did. I mean, that was flirting. Some people are just touchy. I should do more push-ups. Maybe she was just being friendly. Why are my arms so skinny? Am I getting enough iron? OH MY GOD, does she want to kiss me? Why have I never done push-ups? Is it too late to completely change the shape of my arms? How does a person make English language talk with a human girl? God, I hope there's kissing.'
No one will know this, though. In response, I’ll just put my hands in my pockets and say, ‘Sure.’”
“Since I've recently transported to Australian summer from Canadian winter and I have no need for the ol' protective leg coat, I thought I should get waxed. (Just the legs; don't get carried away.) Sure, I could shave, but why do for myself what I could pay a stranger to do for me while they watch me cry? That's my motto when it comes to leg hair, and that's my motto when it comes to therapy. Either way, I just lie back on that little clinical couch and get into it. ‘Come on! Rip it out! I like it when it hurts! More wax!’”
“I went to a psychic recently. She asked me to meditate with her. Sitting in her dimly lit room, I realised that I didn't feel uncomfortable meditating with her, which in turn immediately made me feel very uncomfortable. Who doesn't feel at least a little uncomfortable meditating face-to-face with a stranger reading her tarot cards? A crazy person. And thanks to the fact that I travel a lot and have an inordinate amount of dietary restrictions, I know that I have become the kind of person who eats on the bus. More specifically, I've become a woman in her thirties who eats tuna from a can on the bus. Now I can add that I am also a woman who meditates with her psychic. If only I knew how to knit sweaters for cats.”
DeAnne's show, Livin' the Sweet Life, appears at The Meeting Room, Trades Hall, Cnr Lygon & Victoria Sts, Carlton. 1300 660 013. Tue-Sat 8.15pm; Sun 7.15pm. $20-$25. Mar 29-Apr 22.
Follow DeAnne on Twitter @DeAnne_Smith for worthwhile tweets and gig updates.