Time Out Melbourne

Dave O’Neil appears in 'You Don’t Really Have A Job, Do You Dad?' during MICF... but what the hell does he actually do all day?

6am: My three kids wake up, so I turn on Sunrise and tell them they can have a biscuit each time the funny bald man says something wrong/sexist/racist/rude.

8am: Wife wakes me and tells me that the kids have gone through 20 packets of biscuits. Thanks a lot, Kochie, keep your stupid opinions to yourself. You’ve kick-started obesity in my house. I fake a sudden case of malaria and stay in bed.

9am: Wife forces me to get up and walk kids to school. I pull on my coat over my pyjamas and walk them to school. Have argument with teacher because she won’t take my three year old. “But he wants to learn,” I yell.

10am: Head to the park with the three year old. Still no shower. As I am a dad in a park I check my iPhone every ten seconds. End up reading tweets from people I don’t even like. Convince my son that the park is closing soon and we have to head to the shops.

11am: Go to the local shops and head straight for the sushi shop, where I indulge in some healthy eating: deep fried chicken wrapped in rice with mayonnaise. I never realised being so healthy was so easy. Wash this down with Diet Coke as that has chemicals with offset the fattening food.

12am: Now really starting to stink, so go to local pool for swim. Have realised I have no bathers for me or my son. Go in my undies. It’s Northcote Pool; this is a common occurrence.

1pm: Head home after a great morning of father and son bonding. Realise I’ve left him at the pool… have to turn around and go back to get him.

2pm: Time for a siesta. Kid doesn’t want to sleep but I do. I collapse on the couch while he plays with the cat. The cat attacks, he screams, I wake up, no broken bones, another successful parenting episode.

3.30pm: Time for school pick-up. The other two kids want a snack so we go to the milk bar and choose an icy pole. I say, "Let’s make this an early dinner," and we get a sausage roll each.

5pm: Can’t be bothered doing the whole bath and book thing, so I let the kids run under the sprinkler while I read out the Coles catalogue: "Whole chickens $9.99" as they jump through the water.

6pm: “Early to bed makes a happy kid”, I say. And more time for Daddy to get on the internet and look up important things like: whatever happened to the fat kid from Hey Dad? (He became a Mormon – true).

7pm: Oldest son reminds me he is 17 now and should be allowed to stay up. I crack it and say, "When Fat Cat waves goodnight at 7.30, you go to bed!”

Dave O’Neil appears in You Don’t Really Have A Job, Do You Dad? during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at Hairy Little Sista, 240 Little Collins Street, Melbourne from March 29 to April 21.

First published on . Updated on .

You might also like

Best dishes

Best dishes

The very best things we put in our mouths this month

Readers' comments, reviews, hints and pictures

Community guidelines

blog comments powered by Disqus