6am: Kick MENSA supermodels out of my bed and begin my cross training regime that was tailored especially for me by a SAS secret ops solider.
9am: Wake up from my dream and ACTUALLY begin my day.
9.30am: After eating breakfast and wondering what I did with the toy that my cereal box offered, I figure I’ll duck out and buy a coffee before I start The Writing of My Movie Script I Promised Myself I Would Do (or TWOMMSIPMIWD for short).
10am: Drinking my coffee, I watch YouTube clips and look at a howling dog that kind of sounds like it’s saying words before I start TWOMMSIPMIWD.
11am: Google how many things can be found in brine (FYI: a surprising amount encompassing fish, vegetables and cheese).
11.30am: I get a Facebook message reminding me I have to finish off ‘A typical day in the life of a comedian’ column, so I do that before I start TWOMMSIPMIWD.
12.30pm: I figure I’ve sat in front of my computer enough and resign to the fact I’ll start TWOMMSIPMIWD tomorrow.
1pm: Go to lunch with fellow comedians and talk about a variety of things like gigs we’ve performed in, jobs we’re missing out on, ideas for scripts we’re about to write and I even impress them with my knowledge of brine related food products.
3pm: After consuming way too much caffeine at lunch, I use the extra energy to go the gym.
3.15pm: Find out that too much caffeine and a treadmill combine to make it hard to control bowel movements and I hope that the funk of human sweat overpowers my now overly productive back passage.
4pm: Watch my laptop with a new TV series I’ve purchased (note: purchasing may or may not have occurred).
6pm: Make myself some dinner before going to a gig. For some reason I have a craving for canned salmon, asparagus and goats cheese. I call the concoction ‘Brinetopia’.
8pm: Perform gig. Keeping with protocol, I both stand upright and produce comedy.
11pm: I can either go home and watch infomercials or hang out and drink the free bar tab that has been set up for comedians. If there is no free bar tab, the former wins out.
Dave appears at the Comedy Spectacular alongside Tom Gleeson, Peter Helliar, Denise Scott and Dave O' Neil. The Corner Hotel. Jun 14. $23.