My Day: Adam Rozenbachs

5.50am: My alarm goes off, as I have a boxing class in an hour. Consider trying to get the class moved to 11am, but remember everyone else has a job.

6.15am: Listen to breakfast radio shows on the way to boxing. Think I could do better than all of them, get bitter, then make up for the bitterness by reminding myself that I don’t have to get up at 5am everyday. Then I get bitter again thinking about the money they get.

6.30am: Boxing starts.

6.32am: Realise I could only beat the most weak, handpicked loser of a boxer ever. Or as it’s known in the business, the ‘Mundine Method’.

8am: Get the newspapers. First thing I do is read Andrew Bolt’s column in the Herald Sun, so I know what opinion I should have for the day.

8.30am: Eat breakfast in front of the computer and read the online news. About once a month I turn the keyboard upside down, shake it, and realise eating breakfast in front of the keyboard is not sanitary. But I will keep the bread crumbs, skin and hair for later.

9am: I have a nap for an hour, telling myself that if I slept for an extra hour if there was no boxing I would have been up at 6.50, which is early anyway. So shut up!

10am-3pm: I perform a delicately balanced combination of Twitter, Facebook, café, staring, writing, deleting, YouTubeing, emailing, texting, wanking, Words With Friends-ing, reading, pondering, downloading. I should probably include working in that, but there isn’t time.

3.30pm: Pick up the kids from school.

4pm: The police have traced my numberplate, tracked me down and returned the kids safely to their parents.

5.40pm: Flick between the Channel Ten sports report and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. After realising I am too stupid to ever win $100,000, I decide to flick between the Channel Ten sports report and Bewitched. Darren, you fool!

6.30pm: Dinner. Chicken schnitzel with breadcrumbs, skin and hair. 6/10. Probably needed more hair to be honest.

7pm: Prepare for gig. Consider doing new stuff, but haven’t written anything as there is no need because the comedy festival is many months away.

8.30pm: Free beers. Sorry, I mean: gig.

Adam Rozenbachs will be performing at the Comics Lounge. Jul 18-21.