I do a lot of TV audience warm up gigs, and you meet some interesting people. I was at Channel Ten last week and a lady asked if the cameras we use in the studio are 3-D. I told her they were not and her friend berated her: “Of course they’re not. If they were then the cameramen would be wearing 3-D glasses.”
My fiancé is Ukrainian, so I’m learning the language for our wedding. It’s a language designed to mess with you. The first letter is A, all good. Second letter is Б, which some people think is the Ukrainian letter for Facebook, others think it’s what would happen is the number 5 shagged the number 6. They also change letters – B is V, H is N, C is S, P is R. It’s a Soviet conspiracy to make their words worth more in Scrabble.
There aren’t really any swear words in Ukrainian, because if they swear they do it in Russian. [They don’t want to sully their tongue, explains their cuisine] But if you want to offend a Ukrainian, the phrase to use is “Yak tebe katchka kopnula”, which literally means: “Why doesn’t a duck kick you?”
My favourite thing about going to the cinema is listening to the comments made by people after a film. After The Avengers I heard a lady complain that the ending was “too far-fetched”. So apparently a Norse god coming to destroy the Earth is all good, but [spoiler alert] Iron Man throwing a nuke into another dimension is just plain silly. Other classics include after watching Pirates of the Caribbean, I heard, “There was too much water in that movie”; after I am Legend, there was, “You didn’t tell me the main character was black”; and after Apollo 13, “As if that could ever happen!”