My Day: Justin Hamilton

7am: Disappointed to wake up from a dream in which I star in a cracking movie. Still, I congratulate myself on being a comedian who bucks the cliché and actually wakes up at a real grown up’s time.

8.30am: Actually decide to get out of bed.

8.32am: Take sleep apnoea device out of my mouth and do exercises to put jaw back into place. What was that noise? It sounded like women swooning.

9am: Head to Mario’s on Brunswick Street for breakfast and knock back three espressos.

11am: Go to gym and the vain hope that I am actually defeating the aging process.

11.30am: Return home with my self-esteem soaring.

11.40am: Stare at myself in the mirror convincing myself I can still see muscle definition in my stomach. Place glasses back on my face and realise that there is no muscle definition. Self-esteem is now plummeting.

Noon: Lay on my bed lamenting the passing of my youth.

12.30pm: Write jokes for future use.

3.30pm: Lay on my bed thinking how much I love David Bowie, Grant Morrison, Christopher Nolan, George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

6pm: Lay on my bed thinking how much I’d love to date Emily Blunt regardless of the fact she is married and I don’t know her.

7pm: Get ready for whatever gig I am going to.

8pm: Arrive at gig and think constantly about how much I loved The Dark Knight Rises while I tell jokes.

11.30pm: Arrive home sober and feel comfortable with the fact that I am bored with drinking. 

1.35am: Realise I haven’t eaten any chocolate for the day, so I get up, eat some and return to bed.

1.37am: Fall asleep and dream of Emily Blunt and I starring in Christopher Nolan’s new film written by Grant Morrison with co-stars Brad Pitt and George Clooney and a soundtrack by David Bowie. I hope I don’t wake up disappointed.

Justin Hamilton will be recording live shows for podcast The Shelf at the Toff in Town. 7.30pm. Nov 12, 19, 26, Dec 3.