Xavier Michelides is a Perth-born comedian plying his trade in Melbourne. He was one of the last stand-up comedians to appear on Channel 10’s Rove (it wasn’t his fault) and is the reigning Comedy At Spleen Comic of the Year. Here he tells Time Out Melbourne what a typical day in his life is like...
6am: Emerge from my gelatine aqua dome. Not only does it keep me in suspended animation for eight hours a night (and thus hindering the ageing process), it also moisturiwes my skin (giving me a youthful glow). It does cause hallucinations throughout the day, so I have to be careful.
6:05am: Consume 12 white nectarines.
6:07am: Go for a ten-mile walk and start to think about what I want to achieve today.
6:10am: Consume a further 12 white nectarines.
5:00am: Get caught in a time portal, but manage to break free after wiggling around a bit.
8:00am: Watch television.
9:00am: Turn on television.
10:00am: Turn off television, but continue to watch it out of the corner of my eye for the rest of the day, just in case.
11:00am: Have my first hallucination for the day. It takes the form of Michael Gross from TV series Family Ties. He tries to sell me some out-of-date Milky Ways. I ignore him. If he’d had white nectarines, then maybe.
1:00pm: Go for another ten-mile walk and try to remember all the things that I wanted to do today.
2:00pm: Realise I am lost.
2:30pm: No, wait. I’m fine. I know where I am.
3:00pm: No, I’m really lost. Where the heck am I?
4:00pm: I’m so thirsty… I’m really starting to worry now… What If I never find my way home? I’ll die out here in this god-forsaken, barren stretch of land… What does that sign say? ‘Coles Car Park’?
4:30pm: Buy a chocolate milk from Coles.
4:40pm: Realise that was another hallucination. It was strawberry milk.
8:00pm: Wander into what I think is some kind of open debate. People are being introduced onto a stage and then telling the audience what they think is wrong with the world (plus stories about their genitalia).
8:30pm: Watch debates and have the urge to give it a go myself.
9:10pm: Take part in the debate and tell the audience what I think is wrong with the world (and my genitals). The audience laugh and I get off the stage. A man backstage says I had a “good set” then gives me $50 and a free drink token. I don’t think this guy knows how a debate works, but I take the money.
9:10pm: Catch the train home.
9:10pm: Realise my watch is broken.