Time Out Melbourne

The reigning Comedy at Spleen 'Comic of the Year' remorsefully runs through a typical day in his life...

Xavier Michelides is a Perth-born comedian plying his trade in Melbourne. He was one of the last stand-up comedians to appear on Channel 10’s Rove (it wasn’t his fault) and is the reigning Comedy At Spleen Comic of the Year. Here he tells Time Out Melbourne what a typical day in his life is like...

6am: Emerge from my gelatine aqua dome. Not only does it keep me in suspended animation for eight hours a night (and thus hindering the ageing process), it also moisturiwes my skin (giving me a youthful glow). It does cause hallucinations throughout the day, so I have to be careful.

6:05am: Consume 12 white nectarines.

6:07am: Go for a ten-mile walk and start to think about what I want to achieve today.

6:10am: Consume a further 12 white nectarines.

5:00am: Get caught in a time portal, but manage to break free after wiggling around a bit.

8:00am: Watch television.

9:00am: Turn on television.

10:00am: Turn off television, but continue to watch it out of the corner of my eye for the rest of the day, just in case.

11:00am: Have my first hallucination for the day. It takes the form of Michael Gross from TV series Family Ties. He tries to sell me some out-of-date Milky Ways. I ignore him. If he’d had white nectarines, then maybe.

1:00pm: Go for another ten-mile walk and try to remember all the things that I wanted to do today.

2:00pm: Realise I am lost.

2:30pm: No, wait. I’m fine. I know where I am.

3:00pm: No, I’m really lost. Where the heck am I?

4:00pm: I’m so thirsty… I’m really starting to worry now… What If I never find my way home? I’ll die out here in this god-forsaken, barren stretch of land… What does that sign say? ‘Coles Car Park’?

4:30pm: Buy a chocolate milk from Coles.

4:40pm: Realise that was another hallucination. It was strawberry milk.

8:00pm: Wander into what I think is some kind of open debate. People are being introduced onto a stage and then telling the audience what they think is wrong with the world (plus stories about their genitalia).

8:30pm: Watch debates and have the urge to give it a go myself.

9:10pm: Take part in the debate and tell the audience what I think is wrong with the world (and my genitals). The audience laugh and I get off the stage. A man backstage says I had a “good set” then gives me $50 and a free drink token. I don’t think this guy knows how a debate works, but I take the money.

9:10pm: Catch the train home.

9:10pm: Realise my watch is broken.

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