Time Out Melbourne

Self-help tips from the great sages of comedy

New year, new you, right? To inspire your personality facelift, Time Out has collected some philanthropical and philosophical musings from comedy's brightest sparks

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others." Groucho Marx

"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns

"Don't give your money to the church. They should give their money to you." George Carlin

"As a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips

"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." Rita Rudner

"Saying I apologise is the very same thing as saying I'm sorry. They're the same. Unless you're at a funeral." Demetri Martin

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Updated on 24 Feb 2014.

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