Portland Hotel, Mar 27-Apr 20
When in Melbourne I’ve mostly gone to bars friends have taken me to. Mario’s is a first stop, though that’s a restaurant, but if you don’t order food I guess it’s a bar. Cabinet Bar and the Cherry Bar are good dive-y bars – they feel like NYC bars from the '90s, when you’d just get a beer and a shot and hear some three-chord punk music – not have a hand-crafted martini with a pickled cauliflower. 99 Problems is cool. Great hip-hop the night I went. The Carlton Club jogs a memory of velvet and happy absurdity.
Melbourne Town Hall, Apr 8-20
I don’t go to many but the clubs are really nice. Nice to me if the DJ is playing cool music and the women are hot. Forget that - if the women are hot and the music is crap, then it’s still a nice spot. And if the music is really crap, the women are hot, and the women are friendly, then I buy all those songs the DJ was playing and play it in my car later. One of these clubs in Melbourne was just that! The women were delicious! I didn’t want to leave. I don’t drink but I remember the water I had was really good!
Sean Cullen: I Am A Human Man
Arts Centre Melbourne and Melbourne Town Hall, Mar 27-Apr 7
I haven't been to Melbourne in 15 years but I used to like hanging around St Kilda, and Pure Pop Records looks like a place I'd like to go. The Maori Chief also looks interesting. I will bring a war club.
The Victoria Hotel, Mar 27-Apr 20
I’m the kind of drinker who has so little class that my surroundings can often descend into what feels like a petty irrelevance compared to the company I’m keeping. With that in mind – purely in the interests of journalism, you understand – I ventured into Fitzroy alone yesterday to test the wares of some local boozeries. An instant favourite was the Evelyn Hotel, partly due to its range of endeavours. Aside from a sweet people watching outdoor space and nice old pool table, the venue also boasts its own bottle shop, packed with grog for those such as myself who like to get shitfaced on quality product. It’s also a music venue and upon perusal I found there to be a huge range of exciting acts coming the way of this unassuming, unpretentious watering hole. Listen, you had me at $10 jugs of Carlton. One jug down, I sang slightly too loudly to my ipod through the late afternoon sun on my way to the wonderfully cute Black Cat. Not quite the same value as the Evelyn, but when all you want to do is gawk at strangers and eavesdrop on women’s conversations, you can’t go far wrong with the dinky little beer garden, enjoying the dappled teatime sunlight filtering through its own little patch of greenery, cooling you off alongside your pint as the world flies by in front of you. Winning! On I went, and as night fell I selected the Cabinet Bar on Rainbow Alley in town to continue my research. Unfortunately my report and my ability for total recall ends, quite unprofessionally, here. I think it was fun…
Victoria Hotel and Melbourne Town Hall, Mar 28-Apr 6
Since drinking at the Hi-Fi for the better part of the past week, the staff has grown accustomed to my presence. They've attempted to sway me into drinking Melbourne Bitters, I believe. Being an American, and a connosewer of fine beers and creative spelling, I insisted on drinking only the finest Miller Genuine Draft they had to offer. Miller is American (USA!), it is genuine, and admittedly, a draft (possibly the first one, meaning there's room for improvement). But then I found out the Melbourne stuff in a can was five bucks with a festival pass so I've been drinking those. They make my farts smell I've been dining on plague babies.