Karl Chandler is king of the punchline, thanks to a history writing for Rove, The White Room and the Comedy Channel
Tattoos are great for preserving memories. Otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor.
You gotta hand it to Captain Hook.
I think it’s clear that beauty marks were named by someone with a beauty mark.
If I ever have an operation, I'm going to wear a red nose during it, to make the doctor think he'll be electrocuted if he screws up.
If you've been told that you were an ugly duckling that grew up to be a swan, just remember, swans are still pretty weird looking.
I like wearing my sunglasses on top of my head, on days when I don't want anyone to recognise my hair.
Well, this pudding isn't going to sauce itself. Oh, wait.
Horse racing is NASCAR for the Amish.
Either I better get better at Jenga, or I should do my dishes.
Hobos would be a lot better off if they knew that trick where you find coins behind children's ears.
I'd find Scientology a lot more trustworthy if that Hubbard dude had ever told us his first name.