Star Wars: Episode 7 coming in 2015

The internet is all excitement with the news that Disney has purchased Lucasfilm for $4.05 billion (I’d like to know what the extra $0.05 billion was for – R2D2’s cocaine bills?).

Disney’s Kathleen Kennedy (anything from ET to TinTin) will be the new head of Lucasfilm. Lucas himself is retiring but will remain as creative consultant to the mega-franchise he created in 1977.

The announcement of the new film will create all kinds of speculation as to who will write and direct it. Time Out reckons that just about anyone could do a better job than Lucas did on Episodes 1-3. And we’re not alone.

As for Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill? The career second wind he’s waited 30 years for could be just around the corner….

Star Wars sequel possibilities

The horror accompanying the news that a further trilogy of Star Wars is now on the cards now that Disney has bought out Lucasfilm has been tempered with the revelation that George Lucas will no longer be directly involved, thereby opening up the tantalising possibility that they might be good. Andrew P Street had access to the Disney mainframe (password: “password1234”) and downloaded the following synopses.

Episode 7: Jedfellas
Directed by: Martin Scorsese

It’s 20 years since the Battle of Endor and Luke Skywalker (Leonardo di Caprio) and Han Solo (Robert de Niro), their glory days long behind them, are living among the seedy tenements of Coruscant, dealing with small-time hustlers and dreaming about making a comeback to the justice-fighting big leagues. However, when word comes that crime lord Cazzo the Hutt (Joe Pesci) is looking to expand his territory, they decide enough is enough and call in old friends including Han’s ex-wife Leia (Lorraine Bracco) and Lando Calrissian (Samuel L Jackson, but with hair this time) to take Cazzo down – but the wily criminal has aces up his sleeve in Boba Fett (Temuera Morrison) and the droid assassin IG-88 (Nicolas Cage) – and there are rumours of a new Sith lord turning up, because, y’know, Star Wars. It’s a gritty look at the dark underbelly of interplanetary crime, leavened with a wacky cameo by that beloved cut-up Jar Jar Binks.

Key scene: A 20 minute slo-mo sequence in which Jar Jar is gunned down in the street, his flesh pummelled by blaster bolt after blaster bolt, in an unexpected show of unity from the two competing factions.

Episode 8: Moonrise Empire
Directed by: Wes Anderson

A mix of action and whimsy as absent father Han Solo (Bill Murray) is confronted by his estranged son Jacen (Jason Swartzmann) and the two go on a heartwarming journey of revenge and discovery to stop the rise of the New Empire under the evil but brilliant Admiral Thrawn (Owen Wilson) and, just perhaps, learn a little something about each other – and themselves. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker (Willem Dafoe) and Princess Leia (Frances McDormand) are investigating rumours of the rise of a charming new Sith Lord, Darth Electra (George Clooney). The new film breaks with recent tradition in abandoning CG special effects in favour of meticulously modeled stop-motion, with C-3PO and R2D2 presented for the first time in claymation.

Key scene: A static shot in which nothing happens until characters enter from the side of frame, pause, and then speak entirely in non sequiturs.

Episode 9: Untitled Ninth Star Wars Film
Directed by: Michael Bay

Beginning with a huge explosion after which lots of things then also explode, Jacen Solo (Shia LaBeouf) and a shitonne of CG characters run around a lot. Bay introduces several new characters that embody the prequel trilogy’s inexplicable commitment to casual racism including iTii, a robot that loves pasta and leering at lady droids, and Jew-Jew B’lackface O’Chink, a zany alien from the Stereotypral System that can’t drive, hoards money, drinks a lot, speaks entirely in ebonics and brings the story back to its bigoted roots (not that we're saying Transformers had racist undertones or anything). Then some more stuff explodea, giant clanking things, more explosions, Aerosmith ballad, credits.

Key scene: A big explosion, followed by iTii declaring that it was “one spicy-a meatball!”