Time Out Melbourne

Top ten Christmas movies that never were

The Santa Clause. Snow Business. Santa's Slay. Christmas is a time for bad movie-title puns. Time Out pitches a few ideas for future festive favourites...

Baby? Jesus!
Starring: Jonah Hill, Alyson Hannigan
Rotund, loveable high school doofus Joe (Hill), finding out that his nerdy, virginal best friend (Hannigan) is pregnant with the new Messiah, poses as the father so her uptight atheist folks don’t get suspicious.

Homey for the Holidays
Starring: Steve Carrell, Bill Duke, Queen Latifah
When the key witness in an embezzlement case finds the Witness Protection Agency has shut down over Christmas he has little choice but to move into his noble African-American neighbours' basement and pretend to be their gang-banging son for the festive season. Inanity ensues.

A Midnight Queer (aka Camp as Christmas)
Starring: Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart
A pair of ageing thespians, bitter rivals for three decades, find themselves alone at Christmas with no one else to turn to. Curmudgeonly romance and much port-supping ensues.

Silent Knight
Starring: Orlando Bloom, Olivia Williams
A battle-weary and faithless medieval knight (Bloom) finds himself unable to speak, until a magical snowbound adventure with a mysterious faerie woman (Williams), who claims to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, restores his Christmas spirit.

North Pole
Starring: Viggo Mortensen, Tim Roth
It’s crazy East European accent time again as Mortensen and Roth play a pair of Polish people traffickers who accidentally kidnap Santa and put him to work as an East End bear prostitute.

Saint Knickerless
Starring: Rob Schneider, Carmen Electra
Schneider stars as Rod Hardman, a porn director working on the first hardcore festive flick until Santa gets wind of what’s going on and subjects Rod to a Dickensian voyage in which he learns to love and respect naked women and Christmas.

All-White Christmas
Starring: Chris Rock, Reese Witherspoon, R Lee Ermey
New York gangsta Rock has been dating Southern belle Witherspoon for over a year, but now he has to travel down to Alabama for the holidays and meet her Klan. Quite literally! Meet the Parents collides with Birth of a Nation in this riotous race-relations romp.

Nasty Nativity
Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tom Welling, Wilmer Valderama
Ex-TV heartthrobs Gellar, Welling and Valderama play Mary, Joseph and Jesüs, three high school teens who find their friends (Wendy King, Joe Shepherd and Bob Innkeeper) being picked off one by one by a masked loony in a Santa hat.

Hark the Herald Angels Swing
Starring: Denzel Washington, Sam Rockwell
Jingle them crazy bells, daddy-o, as Washington and Rockwell play a pair of hard-living jazz cats down on their luck in ’50s New York, until an incident with a warm-hearted hooker, an out-of-tune sax and a bucketful of hot nog brings their festive groove back.

Gold, Frankincense and Myrtle
Starring: Julie Walters, Omar Sharif
An elderly London housekeeper slips through a hole in time and finds herself travelling the Silk Road to Bethlehem in the company of three great Oriental kings, including Sharif’s ageing, kindly hunk Balthasar.

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Updated on 24 Feb 2014.

By Tom Huddleston, Adam Lee Davies and David Jenkins   |  
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