Time Out Melbourne

Andrew Georgiou looks at history's top five cartoon closet cases

Smithers, Mr Garrison and American Dad's sexually ambiguous resident alien, Roger, may be here, queer and proud of it, but what about those cartoon icons who were trapped in the celluloid closet of the 1970s?

Velma

Dowdy glasses; thick cankles; turtleneck sweater; bad haircut - yes, Velma ticks plenty of boxes in the closeted lesbian department, but let’s face it, without her the gang would be totally rooted.

Her quiet obsession with fellow Mystery inc. member and all round prick-tease, Daphne, may one day lead to a sequel to Single White Female and with that we may finally see Velma burst out of the closet and swap that cheap-ass K-Mart pleated skirt for a button-fly pair of cargo pants and Oakley sunnies, like a good self-respecting dyke should. 

He Man

"Umm, hello He Man? The Hellfire Club called to say you left your chaps and a bottle of amyl at the coat check on Friday night."

As the cartoon world’s biggest muscle Mary and obvious bottom, He-Man plays butch to the best of his ability despite the handicap of having a peroxided bob. Just like Jesus, He Man only hung out with dudes with the single exception of She-Ra, his estranged sister, with whom (a source tells us) he enjoys listensing to Patsy Cline records at Castle Greyskull. 

Snagglepuss

Any pastel-coloured mountain lion that ends every sentence with ‘already’ is a flaming feline.

If Snagglepuss spent less time adjusting his only item of clothing - his bowtie - he might notice that he’s walking around completely naked. This talentless out-of-work thespian can’t simply meander out of frame like his cartoon peers, but rather insists on dramatically announcing his every exit, left and right, like an actor in the throes Shakespearean monologue.

Yes, it’s annoying, but at least Snagglepuss gets props for being out and proud, and from what Huckleberry Hound says, "surprisingly versatile."

Papa Smurf

Who’s your daddy? The 546-year-old half-naked confirmed bachelor in the red tights, that’s who.

He’s the Smurf Village’s head honcho, honourary elder and dominant top. Despite his gentle demeanour there’s a hardcore B&D master lurking behind that warm and fuzzy beard and with 537 male Smurfs at his beck and call, it’s safe to assume the Smurf village hosts the wildest group sessions the forest has ever seen. 

Boo Boo

Did anyone say daddy fetish? Cutting through the sexual tension between Yogi Bear and Boo Boo would be like slicing through a diamond with dental floss. This daddy/son roleplay session has been playing out across Jellystone Park for over 45 years and won’t end until Boo Boo slips a rohypnol in Yogi’s next peanut butter and jelly sandwich and taps that bear, stat.

 

First published on . Updated on .

By Andrew Georgiou   |  
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