Eat your heart out, Clive Palmer. David Varney’s bluestone-pub-turned-Titanic-diner provides all the weird and wonderful we need

That something this whimsically insane exists – and that it’s packed from starboard to port every Saturday – fills us with such fist-biting joy, we have a shaky moment on Titanic where we almost completely lose it. Not during the appropriately sad reading of the death toll at the end. Not even during Celine Dion, by which point everyone has unhooked their emotions and inhibitions with rainbow cocktails, Crown lagers and bottles of Mumm. It happens as our bushy Captain commences a surprisingly thrusty rendition of ‘Gangnam Style’. Yep, Titanic is everything we dreamed – chandeliers, linen, and pinny-wrapped waitresses included – with less water and more charm. Commander-in-chief David Varney has us on board from the moment he implores we arrive in “after-five wear". We’re announced at dinner. We’re invited to waltz. And just because we can, we go buck wild and knock back a Bailey’s Irish Cream. The whole night feels like a nautical ‘90s wedding and is every bit as nostalgically awesome as that sounds. We get alternating dishes – huge creamy chicken vol au vents or arancini; roast chicken or a medium-well done steak with creamy mash and greens, chased with a dainty Pavlova and a chocolate mousse cake. Is this a life altering gustatory voyage? Perhaps not. But it’s not trying to be and the food is not the point. It's a package of daggy joy. Go. As fast as your land legs can take you. GC

...and the show
The line of stretch limousines out front is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside, fashions are fancier than a Cup Day birdcage. Guests are encouraged to indulge the fantasy of travelling first class; the venue even helps with costume hire. The decor is a charming blend of old-school upscale pub and cruise-ship dining room: it flatters those who’ve made an effort without overwhelming those who left their feathered fascinators at home. As for the show, it’s a sort of nautical-themed comedy cabaret, led by the goatish Captain Smith. This is fairly crude stuff, production-wise, but it’s diverting. In the end, we all live to see New York, and there’s a neat /coup de theatre/ moment to banish all thoughts an icy death. If you’re allergic to soft-hearted, cornball entertainment you might find yourself all at sea, but if you’re suffering hipster fatigue and craving the simple pleasures of dress-ups, cocktails and the chicken dance, then try Titanic, you’ll have a marritime, foreshore. AF

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First published on . Updated on .

By Gemima Cody and Andrew Fuhrmann   |  

Titanic Theatre Restaurant details

1 Nelsons Pl

Williamstown 3016

Nearby Stations: Williamstown

Telephone 03 9397 5101

Price per person including drinks from $40.00 to $95.00

Open Sat 6.30pm-late

Titanic Theatre Restaurant website

Titanic Theatre Restaurant map

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