1. A Twist’n’Sparkle – sort of like a portable SodaStream except you can use it for carbonating hard liquor (although sadly you’ll have to go searching for this one – they’ve issued a product recall because some of the bottles were exploding. We say find one on eBay, and get a cocktail helmet to go with it.)
2. A Neil Perry wig.
3. Butchering course with the Plains Paddock lamb ladies and Mish Delish.
4. Himalayan salt bricks (Essential Ingredient stocks ‘em).
5. Beer hats with the tubes.
6. Membership to Der Raum cocktail bar.
7. A Champagne saber – if you’re feeling fancy, you can get one from the Truffle Man for $425 and up – along with all the foie gras, truffles and unicorn roe you can handle – but a metal ruler or spatula will also do the trick. FYI.
8. Port tongs. Can't find them? Get a blacksmith to fashion you some along with a few pokers for spearing haunches of meat. Try Bent Metal in South Melbourne, or YouTube it and have a crack.
9. Very large or very small bottles of Tabasco (but nothing in between) or one of those fuck-you-up hot sauces. (try Fireworks Foods for all your Mad Dog and Anal Ripper varieties).
10. Liquid nitrogen.
11. An oar-sized risotto paddle (Chef’s Hat usually has them)
12. Bincho-tan charcoal (from the new Melbourne branch of Chef's Armoury – or one of their insanely expensive custom knives with a bone handle and a blade tempered in the blood of virgins.)
13. A machete for opening coconuts.
14. Cloth sacks and volcanic rocks for lining a hangi barbecue pit – and a shovel.
15. Origin by Ben Shewry (and everything else from Books for Cooks) to figure out how to make a hangi.
16. Jiro Dreams of Sushi on DVD. Better yet, Tampopo.
17. A subscription to Lucky Peach.
18. A subscription to The Art of Eating.
19. Ghost pepper seeds, Here’s a grower's comment to inspire: “One seed from a Bhut Jolokia can sustain intense pain sensations in the mouth for up to 30 minutes before subsiding.” Get them here.
20. A sack of quandongs from the Leaf Store.
21. An entire jamón Iberico de bellota from Haverick's Meats.
22. Camouflage fatigues for foraging.
23. Kombu – if you can still find any (the head honchos at food importation HQ stopped the seaweed coming in after it was deemed to be too high in iodine.)
24. An abalone license.
25. A spearfishing kit.
26. Fish tweezers.
27. Earrings made from Coopers Pale bottle caps – beerings! (Shelley Panton stocks them)
28. Mezcal – preferably pechuga-style.
29. A Crystal Head Vodka skull emptied out and filled with hundreds and thousands.
30. A 100Kg block of ice from Donohoe Ice Company. Make it a surprise delivery for maximum effect.
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