Season Two, Episode Five
“I have been reaving and raping since before you left Baylon’s balls”
Demonic shadow creatures: still 1
Jars of wildfire: 7,811
Ships for Theon: 1
Cersei’s blood alcohol level: too high for riding
We said shit got read in episode 4, and it did. Shit gets realer in episode 5, even if the shock-gasp moments aren’t quite as frequent. Remember that dark Venom-looking thing that crawled out of Melisandre’s yoo-hoo? Well, turns out it ain’t a particularly joyful little bundle. But then, no one really is in Westeros. The throne-grabbers pile in this latest instalment that, while it may not live up to its killer opening, gives it a fair crack. Joffrey fans – and we know you’re out there – will be left wanting.
Cersei’s latest familial conquest, rebound-fuck-slash-cousin Alton, is Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) foil for our weekly instalment of Keep Up with the Imp. Blond, vague, earnest and dull, Alton is, of course, no match for the imp – he quickly spills all about Cersei’s plan to use wildfire (think nuclear napalm) to repel attacking hordes. No need for mich signature Tyrion trickery, but, thankfully, there are still some good Tyrion lines. “Alright, enough, even torturing you is boring.” Tyrion 1, Alton/Cersei 0.
Pouty sea captain Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) struggles to get his new crew to respect him as they set forth to meet their docked ship. Yara (Gemma Whelan) has a dig too. Theon eventually cottons on to the whole thing being some sort of test, but the man who so proudly waves his wang around in other scenes is muchly immasculated in this one. Dirty crew/Amazon sister 1, Theon 0.
Priestess Quaithe shows up at a Qarth garden party to say something important. We missed it because we were too distracted by her crazy metal balaclava mask. Costume designer 1, screenwriter 0.
Cersei is struggling to control Joffrey, worried about the hordes and is only just keeping up with Tyrion's patter. No wonder she’s taken to the drink. Cersei 0, the sweet draw of Dornish wine 1.
The Night’s Watch scale a very tall, very snowy mountain in preparation for their attack on the Fist of the First Men. It looks really, really cold. “Ay, we’ll live another day,” says one watchman flatly at one point. “Hoorah.” Seasonal affected disorder 1, Night’s Watch 0.
And in the episode’s awesome opener, Melisandre’s smoke-goo spawn offs a main character. With a knife! Beware the winds. Cave baby 1, unnamed pretender to the throne 0.
Game of Thrones season 2 scorecard