Five kings! One throne! Loads and loads of swearing!
Season Two, Episode Eight
“All my life men like you have sneered at me. And all my life I’ve knocked men like you into the dust.”
Days till Stannis’s fleet reaches the Capital: 2
Number of Crows the Lord of Bones needs: 1, not 2
Men sent in pursuit of the Kingslayer: 40
Extra men sent in pursuit of the Kingslayer, just to make sure: 40
Everyone’s dropping the C-bomb in episode eight, in a blatant effort to keep up the shock value in an episode where the only violent acts on screen are some barely-glimpsed hangings. Theon, Arya, Ros… even the Gods themselves get referred to as c*nts! By the end of the episode, when Daenerys refuses Sir Jorah’s advice to flee Qarth, you half expect he’ll call her a c*nt too.
Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) has taken Winterfell, but has no army to defend it. When his sister Yara (Gemma Whelan) arrives, it’s not to aid him, but to call him a – you know. Theon 0, Yara 1.
Robb Stark (Richard Madden) may be King in the North, but like other teenagers he’s easily embarrassed by his mum. Especially when Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) secretly releases their prisoner Jaime Lannister (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) and sends him back to King’s Landing under the guard of Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie). Mu-um! Starks 0, Lannisters 1.
Jaqen H’Ghar (Tom Wlachiha) has promised to kill three men for Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) and still owes her one life. Annoyed by Jaquen H’Ghar’s inability to refer to people by their actual names, Arya bids him slay himself. A girl has had a rough time in season two. A girl can be forgiven for playing mean tricks sometimes. Arya 1, Jaquen H’Ghar 0.
Cersei (Lena Headey) upbraids Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) for allowing Joffrey to fight in the coming battle against Stannis. She reveals that she has taken Tyrion’s favourite whore captive – but, uh-oh, she’s got the wrong girl. Cersei 1, Tyrion 1.
Talisa (Oona Chaplin) gets a long soliloquy explaining to Robb why she left Volantis, but alas, not why her character doesn’t appear in any of the books. A beautiful lovemaking scene ensues. It won’t matter if Robb calls off his engagement to the Frey girl, will it? Nah. I reckon the Freys will be cool with it. They’re a bunch of dumb c*nts anyway. Robb 1, Freys 0.