Three-step guide to playing nicely on the internet

Step 1 Selecting your targets

Annoying people on the internet, or trolling, can be a rewarding hobby for the whole family. Forums are a good place to start, but choose the right ones. Users of social networking sites such as Facebook will be savvy to this behaviour so it is better to join a quilting forum under the guise of Edna, a 78-year-old grandmother of 14. Join the discussions, make friends and exchange tips on even-weave fabrics before declaring that you are "experiencing severe chest pains" or "heard someone breaking in," then log off and never go back. This will give them something more interesting to talk about than fractional stitches and menopause.
 
Step 2 Arguing

If arguing with someone, remember that factual information has no place on the internet and it is therefore important to win by making stuff up. If the argument is about medicine, claim you are a doctor. If it is about emotions or cats, claim you are a female doctor. When all else fails, it is standard practice to make wild accusations such as "due to the fact that you have spent the last several years in prison for molesting handicapped children, I hardly think your opinion on crop rotation counts."

Step 3 Knowing when to stop

As you are an anonymous internet user, there are no repercussions for upsetting other users. Other people on the internet are there for your entertainment and normal social responsibilities do not exist. While upsetting someone you know in real life may require hugging or purchasing shiny trinkets, causing a stranger on the internet to become upset, possibly suicidal, means you win. People should realise that the internet is serious business and that being mocked on the internet is, in fact, the end of the world.

The Internet is a Playground Out now through Fontaine Press, RRP$24.95

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