Laugh lines

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much" Oscar Wilde

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyoneequally" WC Fields

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others" Groucho Marx

"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made" George Burns

"Don't give your money to the church. They should give their money to you" George Carlin

"As kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me" Emo Philips

"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be" Rita Rudner

"You know when it comes to racism, people say ‘I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green...' Hold on now: purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating. Then help 'em" Mitch Hedberg

"Saying I apologise is the very same thing as saying I'm sorry. They're the same.  Unless you're at a funeral" Demetri Martin

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