Joan talks nip/tuck

Chatting with Joan Rivers is a slightly surreal experience, for no other reason than it makes you feel as though you've been buddies with the legendary comedienne for years. As you'd expect, Rivers, 76, is not backward in coming forward with whatever pops into her head. "The last time we met you were sweating," she tells me. Er, yes, sweating like a pig. And thank you for remembering. (It's true: last year the lady fanned me down with a folded foolscap paper after a sweltering show in New York. I'm not normally a sweaty gay.)

You'd have to be living under a rock or be straight not to know the first lady of comic-shock is bringing her show to next month's Mardi Gras Festival. What you may not know, however, is that aside from appearing on Donald Trump's The Celebrity Apprentice recently, Rivers has been busy promoting a new book, Men Are Stupid and They Like Big Boobs.

It's Rivers' tell-all guide to all things plastic surgery. The book weaves her untamed wit with practical and helpful inside tips on going under the knife. "It's a guide to beauty through plastic surgery, and it is very funny, but it is also very serious - it tells you about each and every procedure," Rivers tells me. Being an avid fan of cosmetic surgery disasters, I'm keen to find out more about the latest nip/tucks on offer. "I think the newest things they are doing is changing vaginas. You know, like pretty vaginas, or enlarging g-spots - that is very prevalent today." Not having been within cooee of a vagina in 15 years, I'd believe Rivers if she told me they can train them to send a fax. "There are amazing things they can do with underarms now too," she continues. Pits - suddenly she's talking my language!

Rivers could be described as the Germaine Greer of plastic surgery. She has been talking about it since before it was socially acceptable and has paved the way for button noses, gravity-defying breasts and eyelifts everywhere. Is she ticked off about having had to blaze the trail? "I'm furious! But I think part of the reason [women] do talk about it today is because of me. And that makes me feel good."

Men Are Stupid And They Like Big Boobs by Joan Rivers and Valerie Frankel (Simon & Schuster) is available at the Bookshop Darlinghurst, $44.95. Joan is performing at the Enmore Theatre on Fri 6 Mar - Tickets from Ticketek

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