How to do Mardi Gras

The golden gay times are here again. Andrew Georgiou gives you the lowdown on Mardi Gras' biggest bits.

POOL PARTY

Embrace your body dysmorphia by parading your hard-earned six pack poolside... before realising everyone else has eight. This queer splash-and-pash takes place at the chic ivy pool where the showers are made for two. Ivy, 320 George St, Sydney 2000. Mon 28 Feb, 2pm-12am. $49.

TIP: A cucumber down your speedos makes you look more hung.

FAIR DAY

It's like the gay Easter Show, but not in bloody Homebush. Think live performances, chic cuisine, gay-ass shopping, a queer tug-of-war, and a bent dog show and you'll get the picture. Victoria Park, City Rd, Chippendale 2008. Sun 20 Feb, 10am-8pm. Free.

TIP: Find a shady spot early or end up like Magda from There's Something About Mary.

HARBOUR 11

It's the engorged daytime party that makes others look flaccid. This year a little Day Wash party action has been added to give Harbour 11 a cool new rinse. Mrs Macquaries Point, Sydney 2000. Sun 27 Feb, 2-10pm. $139.

TIP: Don't scream like a girl and run away at the sight of sniffer dogs. It sends the wrong signal.

DRAG RACES

If you've yet to see gargantuan drag queens try to sprint along the beach in heels or take part in handbag discus, then you have no business calling yourself gay. Queen Elizabeth Dr, Bondi Beach. Fri 4 Mar, 5pm. Free.

TIP: Don't attach tennis rackets to your heels. It'll clash with your earrings.

MARDI GRAS FILM FESTIVAL

The good peeps at Queer Screen present a sensational programme of award-winning international films that will see you laugh, cry and make you never want to watch straight cinema again. Selected cinemas, Moore Park 2021. 17 Feb–3 Mar.

TIP: Don't open your crisps during the film. Packet rustling sets off a response in lesbians that you don't wanna mess with.

FESTIVAL BAR

Held at the Oxford Hotel, this hub of queer entertainment sees cabaret, burlesque, comedy, R&B, drag and just about every other thrilling genre spread across the stage wider than Shazza Stone's legs. Oxford Hotel, 134 Oxford St, Darlinghurst 2010. 16 Feb-4 Mar.

TIP: Be a greedy culture-bottom and take in as much as you can.

PARADE & PARTY

Tits on trucks, dykes on bikes, femmes on floats, Muscle Marys trying to walk while their massive inner thighs rub together... if it's queer, here and used to it, then it will be on parade. Once the last piece of glitter hits the street, the party continues at Entertainment Quarter with DJ heroes plus fierce shows by our best drag talent.

Parade:Oxford St, Darlinghurst 2010. Sat 5 Mar, 7.45am. Free.
Party: Entertainment Quarter, Moore Park 2021. Sat 5 Mar, 10pm-8am. $135.

TIP: If you're straight, this is your ‘get out of jail free' card for jumping the fence. No questions asked...

Mardi Gras Sydney complete guide

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