Open hearts

More and more same-sex couples are creating or extending families by welcoming children in need into their lives, with the help of The Benevolent Society. Established in 1831, the Society has been connecting communities through support groups, volunteer visiting programs and community projects, but only last year began their fostering program. Since then The Benevolent Society has been actively encouraging gay men and women in same-sex relationships to open their hearts and homes to children in need. Their Fostering Young Lives program has been succesful in placing over 60 children in loving homes at present, with more enrolments every week.

Sydney couple Mary Jane and Noela are experiencing the joys, challenges and rewards of fostering by giving two primary-school age brothers in need, their love, stability and support. Andrew Georgiou talks to them about the experience.

Have you always wanted to be a foster carer?
Noela I'd never thought of it until I met Mary Jane. I was busy having a career.
Mary Jane Since I was eight years old!

Did you consider having your own biological child over fostering a child?
Noela I have four biological children.

Was the process in applying to be a carer a difficult one, or easier than expected?
NoelaIt took a while but that's fair enough: you want to make sure that potential carers are the right people to deal with kids.

How were you introduced to your foster children?
Noela Originally we were meant to have the boys on respite care, then we were asked to take them for longer. They're nice kids, well mannered. They weren't too difficult to get along with. In fact, at the beginning we were being interviewed by them! They were asking us why we wanted to be foster carers, what we wanted to get out of it.

Did you immediately connect with them?
Noela I think it takes a little while for the kids to be comfortable and know that you're not going to be a threat to them. And we knew that anyway. The training tells you to give them time, to stand back and let them come to you when they're ready.

Have you experienced any negative feedback based on you status as same sex carers?
Mary Jane No, not really.

How was the first day at home together? 
Mary Jane First weekend was great. They talked a lot about the previous placement. We went tenpin bowling. All was good. 

Have your family and friends been supportive of your decision?
Noela They're all shocked and think we're too old, but Mary Jane's family have been brilliant.

What has been the most challenging aspect of being a foster carer?
Mary Jane Dealing with difficult behaviour. The older boy challenges everything that is said, which can be exhausting. 

Talk us through the rewards of being a family.
Mary Jane I have been fostering for 20 years. The rewarding part is when you see children working through issues and making changes – a bit like therapy I suppose. I am a family therapist so I have to keep those roles separate. 
Noela Over the time we've had them, they've both blossomed and have become more open to us. Particularly the younger boy; he asks some really good questions. They're smart kids.

Has the experience made you feel even further connected to your partner?
Mary Jane Yes it has in many ways. I certainly admire her even more, I have always known she is an extremely generous person. We don't always agree of course, but we seem to manage to work through that. 
Noela Yes, because we've discovered a few things about each other that we wouldn't have discovered otherwise, like having to stand together and not let the kids divide and conquer us.

What advice would you give to people considering becoming carers?
Mary Jane I give all my friends the lecture: give it a try, see how it works.
Noela I think what puts most people off is the thought of the full-time commitment. I believe if there was more respite care, one weekend a month, available there would be less children in care. It is what we have offered to do when the boys return home. 

For more information on becoming a carer, log on Foster a Childor call 1800 819 633

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