Lady Gaga

Since Lady Gaga's first Sydney show falls on Wed 17 March – St Patrick's Day – you may find yourself torn between your love for outlandish costumery and your love of public drunkenness. But which event gets priority? Fret not, gentle reader: you can establish your celebratory requirements – with science – via this handy quiz:

St Patrick's Day is a celebration of...
a) Irish culture. (1 point)
b) Irish beersmanship. (1 point)
c) The seamless combination of dancefloor beats with wryly self-referential pop songwriting. (5 points)
d) Patrick St Mall in Blacktown. (0 points)

Complete this line: "Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling..."
a) "From glen to glen, and down the mountain side." (1 point)
b) "I'm drunk again – at least, that's what's implied." (2 points)
c) "Your duck named Sven, unfortunately, has died." (3 points)
d) "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me – papa, paparazzi." (5 points)

How do you dress for St Patrick's Day?
a) With the wearing of the green. (1 point)
b) With the wearing of the red, thereby tricking the approximately 8% of males and 0.4% of females in the population with genetic red-green colourblindness. (3 points)
c) In something vomit-resistant that can withstand a good hosing-down. (1 point)
d) In an inflatable skirt of giant interlocking triangles covered in glitter and tiny antlers. (5 points)

Complete this line: "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick..."
a) "...I wanna take a ride on a disco stick." (5 points)
b) "...I wonder if they still make Strawberry Quik?" (3 points)
c) "...Poo poo wee bum bum poo dick." (-20 points)
d) "...and the old triangle went jingle jangle all along the banks of the Royal Canal." (1 point)

According to religious scholars, the greatest problem with the Irish historical record concerning St Patrick is...
a) ...possible conflation with Palladius, a contemporaneous fifth century Irish Christian missionary. (1 point)
b) ...possible conflation with Palladium, the rare elemental metal briefly vaunted as the catalyst for cold fusion. (2 points)
c) ...possible conflation with the Platypus, a semi-aquatic monotreme native to eastern Australia. (3 points)
d) ...whether he was a chick or a dude. (5 points)

SCORE
5-8
PATRICKFFEST 2010: Let's face it: you already dress entirely in green, wax rhapsodic about the Old Country and reject the Pogues as inauthentic. In fact... hold on: you're already at the pub, aren't you?

9-17
WHATEVS: You'll enjoy either one, but maybe your true interests lie elsewhere. Poetry, physics, optical phenomena, mammalian physiology: at least one of these subjects has already entranced your wayward muse. Actually, why are you wasting time with this quiz? The future needs you!

18-25
GAGACTION. You've already made your decision – and anyway, no bouncer is going to allow someone into their pub dressed like a found-art modern sculpture drapped in fabric.

0 or below:
Just grow up. Andrew P Street

Lady Gaga plays at the Sydney Entertainment Centre Wed 17 Mar, Thu 18 Mar and We 8 April. St Patrick's Day happens everywhere on Wed 17 Mar.