This Much I Know: Alyena Mohummadally

I was born in Karachi, Pakistan. I came to Australia with my mum and dad when I was three. When I was just short of 11, we moved back to Pakistan and I ended up coming back to Australia when I was 18 for uni, and I’ve been back ever since.

I identify as “queer”. I use it because it can encompass so many different things. If you were to ask me to tick a box and “queer” wasn’t there, I guess I’d say “fine, I’m lesbian.”

I realised this at around 14 or 15. It was during a Winter Olympics. There was a German figure skater, Katarina Witt, and I looked at her and thought, “You are the most beautiful woman ever, I want to marry you.” The next thought that came into my mind was “you’re Muslim, you’re evil, you’re going to burn in hell and die, shame, shame.” So I tried to suppress any kind of feeling I have that women are attractive.

Coming back to Australia, I used the opportunity to try and explore my sexuality. This is embarrassing but in my first year of uni, I would introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Alyena, I’m a bisexual.” It was so important to me to announce it to the world, but I still wasn’t ready to say “gay” or “lesbian”.

My mother said “you can’t be a gay Muslim” and I said “Why not?” I went back into the closet when she became really upset. But with all the drama my parents never rejected me, they instead chose the option of not talking about it for many years before we reconciled.

I went online and couldn’t find a single support group in Australia. And I decided if I’m going to be gay, I’m going to reject Islam then. But I wasn’t happy with doing that because my spirituality is so much a part of me – it’s as just as important to me as my sexual identity.

Lesbians are completely non-existent in the Koran. Most Orthodox Muslims think that homosexuals are wrong. My biggest argument to someone who says, “you can’t be gay and Muslim” is to say, “Well, I’m standing right here in front of you.”

When I decided to have a child with my partner I decided that I want my child to be Muslim. Thankfully, she agreed. I also made a vow to myself that if I was ever in a position where I felt comfortable enough with myself I would try and be some sort of leader or advocate for queer Muslims in Australia. So I set up a Yahoo group.

Most people join the group for the same reason – “Oh my god, I thought I was the only one.” People join for solace. And every now and then you get the heartbreaking : “Hi, I’m a Bangladeshi Australian Muslim, my parents are forcing me to get married, is there a gay man out there who will marry me? I will pay you.”

There have been stories of self-harm stopping after people found the group. People have found the strength to come out because of the group. It’s a place where similar people can find a connection.

Alyena Mohummadally is speaking at Queer Thinking 2012.

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