First published on 21 May 2012. Updated on 23 May 2012.
“The more people you love, the weaker you are.”
Hanged men in Harrenhal: 20
Cut throats in Qarth: 11
Missing dragons: 3
Ships in Stannis’s fleet: 200
Women bonked by Jon Snow, ever: 0
Things Alton Lannister needs to do to help Jaime escape: 1
Episode seven demonstrates an uncharacteristic lack of nudity but what it lacks in boob action it makes up for in cold-blooded massacres. The Starks get well and truly screwed again, by Lannisters, wildlings, Greyjoys – you name it. Maybe they should rename it ‘Game of Whaling on Starks’…
Brandon and Rickon Stark flee Winterfell, making Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) look ridiculous. Theon tracks them to a barn and decides to burn it down to show them who’s boss. Starks 1, Theon 1.
Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) spends a freezing night huddled with the wildling Ygritte (Rose Leslie) who taunts him for being a virgin. The next day she leads him straight into a trap. Crows 0, Wildlings 2.
Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) has a Carrie moment when her first period arrives, meaning she’s now ripe to marry King Joffrey. The last thing Sansa wants is a Lannister child in her belly, but the Hound (Ian Whyte) sniffs her out. Sansa 0, Joffrey 1.
Jaime (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) almost escapes from Robb Stark’s encampment, murdering a Karstark in the process and causing uproar among the ranks. When Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) confronts him, he makes a few unnecessary remarks about her late husband. Poor form, Jaime. Jaime 2, Catelyn 0.
Cersei (Lena Headey) admits to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) that Joffrey is mad, probably because he’s the child of incest. Cersei weeps. Tyrion isn’t sure whether he’s meant to comfort his sister. Awkward. Tyrion 0, Cersei 0.