After Go Bro got booted out of No 10 Downing Street, Malcolm Tucker lost his job as Labour's sultan of spin. So the star of In the Loop and The Thick of It had plenty of time on his hands to answer our questions: if only K-Rudd had read it in time…
In the fly-on-the-wall documentary In the Loop, you are seen locking horns with the big wigs in Washington. How are you spending your days now that you're out of a job? I’m catching up on all the things I missed out on when I was in government. You know, the little things that get ignored in the day-to-day political scrum. My mum’s still alive, apparently, so that’s great, I’m planning to see her in the autumn. I’ve got a fuckload of pizza leaflets to read, they’re all piled up by the front door. Some of those meal deals look tremendous value. Just lots to get on top of. Purely by accident I managed to miss every episode of the first series of Lost, so I’m definitely hoping to spend a few evenings now deliberately missing the second series.
Why did Labour lose the recent British election?Everyone lost the election. The Tories just lost less badly than we did. Don’t let these fuckers fool you – this is a coalition of people who weren’t quite good enough to win. It’s like Tim Henman watching Eddie the Eagle on a Betamax video.
How would you describe the current leadership of Britain? Like a Push-Me-Pull-You with no heads and two arseholes. Only more inward-looking... No, I think it’s brilliant that the old ruling class have got back in - the blue-bloods, the Eton and Oxford boys. This cabinet’s got a gene pool smaller than Tony Abbott’s collection of reggae albums. I mean, I know we’ve had this sort of weird, lefty experiment since 1649 of letting the plebs have a go at being in charge, but that’s not really worked out has it? Look at Britain: budget deficit, unemployment, 10 series of I’m a Celebrity... So, seriously, three cheers for the tiny-cocked no-chins is what I say. And it means you get far more women in the cabinet room, because all these fuckers bring their nannies with them.
How do you plan to rescue Britain? Stripped to the waist with a dagger in my teeth and a white paper on how to restore our manufacturing base stuffed up my pickle-shoot.
How important is Australian politics in the grand scheme of things? Look, over the years you’ve poured a lot of your energy into sport and racism and that’s great but the UN is largely made up of African and Asian people and whiteys you’ve humiliated in swimming, cricket and hockey so you don’t have much purchase there. But then you’re a barren rock in the arse-end of nowhere – what do you expect? No one cares about your stance on fusion cooking or the labeling of sunscreen.
What advice would you have for Julia Gillard if she employed your services as a spin doctor? The government needs to create an environment in which fusion cooking can flourish. We need a thought-through stance on the labeling of sunscreen. And let’s spend less money on sport and racism and more on catching those serial killers and dingo-fuckers running round the outback.
Some people have compared you to a guy called Alistair Campbell. Can you see any similarities? Ali Campbell? The lead singer of UB40? Not really. I like red wine – I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it.
Our mum always told us that swearing was neither big nor clever. How would you respond to our mum? I suppose you’d expect me to say something like, "You’re an ignorant prudish boring cunt but that’s alright because you’re old and you’re about to piss yourself for the last time and when you die you won’t have to listen to any more profanity. You can content yourself with that thought as the worms tuck into your vag." And I would say something like that. And then I would say it again in French. And Italian. Just to fucking showboat.
Malcolm Tucker's sweariest one-liners
"Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off."
"How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavour is it?"
“I’d love to stop and chat to you but I’d rather have Type 2 diabetes.”
“You have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck.”
“Please could you take this note, ram it up his hairy inbox and pin it to his fucking prostate.”
“I’ll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.”
"Christ on a bendy bus son, don't be such a fucking faff arse."
"Ambassador, with your big baldy head you are spoiling us. Can I have a word?"
"Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock."
"Wake up and smell the cock."
"You are a real boring fuck. Sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing so I'll sort that out: you are a boring F, star, star, CUNT."
"Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy bunny."
"If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that cunt's a cunt."
“I’ve got a to do list here that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.”
“Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?”
“He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”
“Believe me, I’d like to slip into something a lot more comfortable. Like a coma.”
“See you, you are a fucking omni-shambles, that’s what you are.”
“Get over here. Now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers and a shirt the colour of blood.”
“Darling, I wouldn’t piss on you if you were fucking allergic to piss.”
“The intelligence we’ve got is so deep, so fucking hard, it will fucking puncture your kidneys.”
“Fuck the ‘i’s and fuck the ‘t’s”
“You’re so back-bench, you’ve actually fucking fallen off. You’re out by the fucking bins where I put you.”
“If you don’t go get me some cheese, I’ll rip your head off and give you a spinedectomy.”
In the Loop Madman (MA15+) $39.95