Angry Boys

GRAN

Ruth Sims is ‘Gran’ to the bad lads of Garingal Juvenile Institute. This tough, profane old harpy knits their Hulk pyjamas, sings ‘Take It like a Man’ for them on Fridays and issues tissues to boys in Isolation (even dog wankers). “They may be the worst boys in the state, but they’re still boys,” says Gran.

S.MOUSE

His song ‘Slap My Elbow’ was a mega-hit but S.Mouse (“people mother-f***ing-scared o’ mice”) has an image problem – “I’m a little bit of a faggot.” Axed from his label after uploading a graphic video for ‘Poo on You’, Mouse hopes house arrest with his parents and new song ‘Grandmothaf***er’ amp his gangsta rep.

BLAKE

 Ex-surf champ and ‘borderline genius’ Blake Oakfield’s career was cut short when he was shot in the balls during a fracas between his Mucca Mad Boys and arch-rivals, the Fennel Hellmen. He retired ball-less and now runs Fat Boys Surf School. He swears girls don’t fart and that there’s 60c to the dollar.

JEN

Threatening harakiri if son Tim didn’t meet his destiny as a skateboard champ, Jen Okazaki’s credo of “Alrays risten to your muda!” has made Tim a global skate legend, thanks to Jen deciding his sexuality (“Don’t be shy, we know you like cock”) and his merch. Those huge penis-shaped parmesan shakers are a sell-out.

DANIEL

Nathan’s brother “has more mates, gets more chicks and is basically a better bloke”. But Daniel loves his bro, even when the deaf dickhead pisses on him from the roof. That’s why he makes Nathan ‘Wank Prevention Guards’ and plans a tribute concert featuring the ‘Wall of Legends’. 

NATHAN

In We Can Be Heroes, Nathan’s hearing was saved when Daniel donated him an eardrum. Alas, now Nathan can’t even hear his poo hit the bonnet of a cop car. Mum and her new boyfriend think a deaf school could be the answer. Nathan’s keen but he’d miss his cyber porn and ‘sneaky nuts’ photos.